If You Can't Beat Them
by HecateA
Summary: Surely you'll be able to after putting into practise that relationship-destroying twelve-step program your new and unlikely accomplice have elaborated... Oneshot.


**Hi!** **Epitome proof that when I say 'all good things come to those who wait' I mean 'please don't kill me for being late with requests I will eventually find something awesome to do'. Enjoy the story!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters portrayed below.**

**Dedication: to ShinobiTessa who asked for Miranda and Connor**

* * *

**If You Can't Beat Them…**

* * *

"Breath mint?" Connor asked holding a small can out to Miranda. "It'll take the taste of vomit out of your mouth and possibly stop you from gagging."

Miranda smiled and held her hand out. He dumped a mint in.

They swore that they _tried _to look elsewhere. It was just that when you were in one of the Argo II's parties and that two people were making out right in front of you… it was attention-grasping, okay? And when one of the participating parties was your sister… Well, that was where the breath mints came in.

"We've got to go somewhere else," Miranda said getting up. "I can't take it anymore."

Katie was indeed sitting on Travis' lap, her arms looped around his neck and judging by the depth with which her tongue was in his throat, that wasn't changing anytime soon.

"Where else is there to go?" Connor said. "I ain't no sucker- I'm not leaving the party before midnight, and it's freaking hot downstairs."

Miranda looked around the deck for other options. On the other end of the deck, about nineteen people were playing on a single Twister mat and things were getting pretty heated at the Ping-Pong table. And when Miranda said heated, she meant that water guns were involved and there wouldn't be a dry person who'd get out of there tonight. The music downstairs was deafening from where Miranda stood and Connor was right- it _was _stuffy.

"I am _so _tired of this," she groaned.

"Don't you think I know how this feels?" Connor said. He cleared a curl from his face. His blue eyes twinkled in the tiki torches' lamp light. He had that elfish face typical of Hermes children, the pointed ears, narrow chin, the narrow nose, mischievous eyes… "Travis promised that we'd come here together. You know, set up some tripwires on the dance floor, put butter on the stable floors for when the couples go make out down there- have fun. Then he sees Katie and _poof, _fraternity isn't a thing anymore."

"Who do you think _Katie _was here with?" Miranda said. She huffed angrily.

"I hate to say it…" Connor said. "But I think that our only solution is to kill Katie."

"_What?" _Miranda said.

"Okay, maybe not kill Katie…" Connor said. "But we need to find a way to break our siblings apart. I mean, they're completely gaga."

"That's true," Miranda said. "But they're happy together."

"We don't know that," Connor said. "They may be holding each other hostage."

"Against _what?" _Miranda said.

"Another mystery. We can add it right in to the _why are they even dating?" _Connor said.

"That's true," Miranda said. "It's too weird for her to have gone with a son of Hermes, out of all things..."

"Hey!" Connor protested. "What's wrong with sons of Hermes?"

"Nothing," Miranda said quickly. "But I see your point. But how do we do it?"

Connor only smiled.

* * *

"They've been fighting a lot about the upcoming toilet paper raid," Miranda said.

"Why? What's wrong with the toilet paper raid? That's tradition, godsdamnit." Connor protested.

Miranda rolled her eyes. "Have you ever considered the ecological impact of-"

"Oh look another subject- it just walked by, you missed it." Connor said writing down 'TP RAID' in a notebook. He cleared his throat. "But yeah- they've been arguing over it? We can work with that. What else?"

"The Cabin is still a sore subject," Miranda said. "Like, if something like the Easter bunnies were to happen again- Katie would freak."

"I like it," Connor said writing it down too. "Hey, are they still hiding their relationship from Katie's dad?"

"Yup," Miranda said popping her 'p'.

"Is that too cruel?"

"Maybe. Will it be effective? Definitely." Miranda said.

Connor grinned. She really was a woman on a mission, wasn't she?

She waited for Connor's pen to stop scribbling before pointing out another frequent disagreement.

This went on for twenty minutes until Connor put his pencil down.

"Miranda," he said. "I think that I've developed a twelve step program to successfully break apart our siblings."

* * *

**_The Twelve Step Plan to Taking Down our Clingy Siblings' Stupidly Annoying and Somewhat (Mostly) Disturbing Relationship _**

Step One: Nagging R US

Step Two: A Study in Multiplications

Step Three: The Silence

Step Four: Torment Session

Step Six: The Acquaintance Malfunction

Step Seven: Noodles

Step Eight: The Spray Paint Operation

Step Nine: Parental Guidance

Step Ten: Politics

Step Eleven: Borderline Evil

Step Twelve: The Big Guns

* * *

**Step One: ****Nagging R Us**

Connor had been a bit iffy about having Miranda handle Step One. After all, this was the basis. You couldn't build a good house on a base made of bubble gum. If this step was screwed up, so was their entine program.

However he was pleasantly surprised at the daughter of Demeter's borderline evil instincts when he listened in on the action at Cabin Four's table during supper while tying his shoe.

Miranda was putting on her pouty face and creasing her eyebrows. Her blond corkscrew curls hair framed her face and her huge green eyes were so pale… anyways, she looked super innocent. He caught bribes of what she was saying.

"Didn't you see Olivia's face yesterday… I swear, that prank… She didn't _look _okay… Olivia never cries…"

Katie was twirling her spaghetti squash around her fork.

"I don't know what happened Miranda," she said. But Miranda had succeeded. The seed of doubt _had _been planted in Katie's brain.

"Well, can't you talk to Travis?" Miranda asked.

_Oh, _Connor cheered. That was such an innocent and plain question! It was genius!

"We don't talk about…" Katie sighed and put her fork down. "I'll see."

* * *

"Not bad, Gardiner," Connor said leaning against her cabin as she walked out. Miranda bowed her head and sent the delicate balance of her curls off. But she was smiling. "For a daughter of Demeter."

She looked up, eyebrows frowned, and shoved his shoulder.

"Excuse you?" Miranda asked. "Children of Demeter are much more than daisies and pansies, thank you very much."

"Yeah, very strong," Connor said rubbing his shoulder. "Seriously though, that was awesome. Where did you learn to manipulate like that?"

Miranda smiled again. "Among other things... I may or may not have had a stepmother for a few months before coming to camp…"

"No," Connor said.

"Yes," Miranda smiled.

"You, Miranda Gardiner, with a rebellious streak?" Connor said. "I don't believe it!"

"Walk me to the campfire, I'll tell you all about it."

* * *

There was trouble in paradise and Connor was more than proud to say that he'd brewed it.

But not out loud, because Miranda would punch him again and remind him that she'd done the real work.

They were out of hearing range of course, but by Katie's gesturing and the flips that Travis' eyes were doing- they were arguing.

"They're coming," Connor said. "Make sure to beat Katie to the cabin."

It was technically past curfew, but the counselors were authorised out of bed for an hour after their nightly meeting. This was, of course, a horrible idea that had started by assuming that maybe some of the counselors would have to stick around the Big House to sort out business a while longer- but really ended up meaning that the counselors had one hour to sneak off with each other in the dark. Seriously, they'd seen Annabeth disappear as soon as she stepped out of the Big House and Percy head for the beach. He wasn't even taking a detour.

"You too," Miranda said. "Act dumb."

"Duh," Connor said. He flicked her curls. "Nighty Night Andy."

"It's Miranda to you," she countered before sneaking off to Cabin Four.

* * *

Travis slammed the door to Cabin Twelve as –of course- nobody was in bed except for the one loser duct-taped to his.

Connor's brother was _not _a happy camper.

"What's wrong, Travers?" Connor asked innocently.

"Nothing," Travis said. "Go die in a hole."

"Well if you're that violent this early on in the conversation, something is _clearly _not right. Why aren't you out screwing around the woods with Katie? Hour's not up yet." Connor said.

"I said go die in a hole," Travis said. "And the rest of you can drag your butts to bed. _Now."_

Everyone was invested in knowing why Travis was pissed now. Even mad, children of Hermes were usually pretty chill.

"Someone ain't feeling the love?" One of the sisters catcalled.

"No, somebody doesn't like being nagged all the time about stupid crap their even stupider siblings did," Travis said. "_Go. To. Bed." _

_ Success, _Connor cheered.

He couldn't wait to hear from Miranda about how things had gone on her side.

* * *

**Step Two: ****A Study in Multiplications**

As July First crept forwards, all of Camp was getting increasingly jittery and nervous. It was coming. The Day to end all Days, as she'd heard it be put.

Really it was just the Annual Cabin Eleven Toilet Paper Raid, but this year Miranda was actually excited.

Usually it consisted of Cabin Eleven dressing up in black clothes, glow sticks, feathers, beads and whatever else they could get their hands on and running around camp some time during the day. They broke into the cabin bathrooms, supply closets, and the Big House, stealing all of the toilet paper they could find, and the TP'ed all the cabins. Sometimes they had silly cheese. Sometimes they did not. Miranda had also seen dish soap, sundae syrup, honey, wax, Vaseline, fruit peels and pickle juice get thrown in the mix. Last year it'd been glorious because the children of Hermes had had even more cabins to work with this year -except, of course, for the small fact that they hadn't expected to run into security systems for the Hecate Cabin but had.

But the thing was, even if the date of the raid never changed, the Cabin Eleven kids always managed to surprise everybody. No matter how much security Chiron and Mr D put on the toilet paper, Cabin Eleven always got to it. There was never a moment where all the Hermes campers disappeared to get changed. Not a single sign that something happened. It just _happened._

The result was a day of jitters, camp-wide awkwardness, cabins organising vain but hopeful guard systems on their bathrooms and a lot of coffee being brewed.

The day was no different except… except the raid hadn't happened yet. Miranda tried making eye contact with Connor but he looked as if everything was fine. And for most of the day, it was. The first disturbance was at midnight when Miranda was woken up by the sound of an ambulance.

She joined Katie at the window and her eyes widened. Some of the Hermes campers had giant flashing lights on their sombreros or tuques or whatnot, and they all ran around crazed and bashing pots and pans against each other until they split formation.

Three of them broke into each cabin at once- or at least that was what happened in Cabin Four. Two with water guns covering for another who ran for the bathroom. Some of the little kids shrieked, but most people saw no problem until the armed campers squirted them all anyways.

Campers wandered out of their cabins. Tiki torches had been arranged around camp and a guy was running around with a blasting boom box that alternated between the summer's Top Fourty and random stuff like the chicken dance. Toilet paper was being placed in a giant pile at the center, guarded by yet more campers –not that anyone would dare approach.

It was genius the way that the cabins were left alone this year, so that all the toilet paper went over the Big House. Campers on the roof were starting it there, draping it down columns, decorating the porches as if the toilet paper was Christmas lights, barricading the doors and windows…

Miranda's eyes widened and her heart twisted. This was twice as much toilet paper as per usual…

Campers were starting to gather around the Big House and cheer. Nobody could wait until Mr D and Chiron came out. Or tried...

Miranda smiled despite the enormous waste of toilet paper that she was witnessing. So Connor _had _been able to talk Travis, the leader of the raid of course, into doubling the usual amount of toilet paper…

Holy smokes, Katie would _freak_ out at him.

* * *

The next day Katie came back from her counselor duties angry as if she'd been stung.

"Katie, you okay?" Miranda asked.

"Fine," she said.

"Not if you're talking like that, you're not."

She closed her eyes and composed herself. "I'm very sorry for snapping."

"No, it's alright," Miranda said. "Just tell me what's wrong. What can I do to help?"

Katie groaned. "Travis is _so _impossible. Did you notice how much toilet paper they used in last night's raid? Twice as much as usual! Twice! And he told me that they'd try not to waste too much this year. Do you _know _what he answered when I confronted him?"

"No," Miranda said innocently.

"That 'it's not a waste if it's totally awesome'," Katie quoted. She groaned. "Sometimes I feel so dumb for trusting what a son of Hermes says. They're basically pathological liars."

Miranda thought back to Connor, who'd kept his promises to meet up with her after curfew to review the twelve-step-program, or get the toilet paper quantity doubled…

"You're not dumb Katie," Miranda said. "And they're not liars. It was just one time."

"That's the thing," Katie groaned. "It's _not _the first time."

And with that she collapsed on her bed.

* * *

**Step Three: ****The Silence**

"This bit is crucial on both of our behalves," Connor said. "You've got to keep Katie and Travis away from each other. That way, they'll both get paranoid about what the other thinks of the fight. You screw up, doesn't matter what I did- I screw up, doesn't matter what you do."

"Done," Miranda said.

* * *

"You don't look into this," Miranda told Katie at the archery range.

"No, I am! I am!" Katie said.

"No you don't, usually you love archery," Miranda said. "What's wrong Katie?"

"It's just… Travis and I got in a fight yesterday."

"Oh, Katie," Miranda pouted. "It was only a matter of time…"

"It wasn't _that _big of a fight. At least I hope not." Katie said. She bunched up her hair behind her head. "I got mad at him about the raid…"

"You had every right to."

"Maybe I intruded," Katie said chewing on her lip. "I mean, it _is _the Hermes campers' fun to do that… and it only comes once a year..."

Sirens blasted Miranda's brains out. _Beep, beep, beep, red alert, red alert, she's cooling down, red alert, red alert, beep, beep, beep, engage the force..._

"And ecology is _your _passion," Miranda said. "Travis should respect that- especially when he promised it."

"You think?"

"Oh yeah. Plus what's more important? Having fun, or sustaining ecosystems? The only one we have after all."

"Maybe we just need to talk it over again," Katie said.

"Well then let him come and find you," Miranda said. "Let him fix it for once."

Katie frowned. "What do you mean for once?"

"Well…" Miranda pretended to hesitate. _If only Connor could see me go, _she said trying to push back a smile.

"What is it?" Katie asked, frowning some more. "Do you think I go after him too often?"

"Well…" Miranda said again. _Oh gods, I've got to tell Connor about this. _

"You do?" Katie asked. "Oh gods. Be honest with me…"

"I think you do," Miranda shrugged. "But he's a child of Hermes and you're a daughter of Demeter. You're the one whose got the nurturing instincts?"

"But this is about fixing," Katie said. "He's got responsibility when it comes to relationships too- doesn't he?"

Miranda shrugged. "You're the expert Katie. I'm gonna go talk to Daniel, we can chat later."

As she walked towards her oldest brother, Miranda couldn't help but grin. She didn't know how Connor was doing, but she was _fine. _

* * *

"Yo, you and Katie didn't cuddle at the campfire," Connor said on their way back to the cabin after the last marshmallows of the night were burned and the last song was sung.

"So I've noticed, shut up," Travis said.

"It was a free seating night! The one night you could've done it without having to sneak over to Cabin Four's bench! What's up?"

"She's pissed at me because we doubled the toilet paper for the raid," Travis said. "She's been talking me into being more ecological lately, and I promised to her that I'd make an effort. I think she's hurt. Maybe I should run over and apologise before curfew…"

"Nah man, whatcha talking about?" Connor said with his best imitation of 'pissed off'. "Katie's not allowed to say a word about the Toilet Paper Raid. It was super awesome- we tackled the Big House! That'll go down in history! That raid's sacred man, nobody's allowed to touch it."

"You think?" Travis asked Connor.

"Hell to the yeah," Connor said trying not to dance of joy on the outside. He couldn't control the inside, though. And judging by the fact that Travis hadn't been able to talk to Katie until possibly now, Miranda had been able to pull things off on her end. Everything was perfect. "I mean, our one tradition? The one time the whole cabin comes together- and Katie goes and _nags_ you about it?"

"It doesn't seem fair," Travis said.

"That's because it's not, man!" Connor said. "I'm telling you, that girl would nag you if you died. You've got to show her that you aren't going for it anymore."

"I guess…" Travis' face hardened. "She was such a _baby _about it. I mean, she knows that this comes once a year and that we plan ages. She knows that!"

"She does," Connor said. Travis' ranting was derailing and taking care of the conversation.

"I mean, she likes plants and stuff- that's important to her. I'm into toilet paper raids- that's important to me. She's got to respect that, right?"

"Yup," Connor said.

"It's my passion. Ecological or not, it is what it is and I am what I am. If that's not good enough for her, then maybe she should find someone else to nag to. Some vegan hippy who composts their poo."

"Yup," Connor asked. Now came the question: was there anybody who composted their poo and if so did the Demeter cabin do it? He felt too scared to ask Miranda next time they'd meet up to plan. Hopefully it would be soon.

"It won't make the world explode to have _one _raid." Travis asked. "You're right Connor, I don't have to go apologise. _She_ should apologise if anything."

"Yup," Connor said.

Hopefully Miranda had been just as successful.

* * *

**Step Four: ****The Acquaintance Malfunction**

Miranda had raised the alarm once Katie and Travis started hanging out and acting lovey-dovey and making out behind the cabin again.

They'd cooled off and it was now time to ram into the relationship with a bulldozer once again. Connor had this theory that if they let the relationship heat up and cool off enough times, it would break. Christopher from Nine was always talking about how metal did that, and at least Miranda didn't think he was nuts for applying it to romance, so that's what they were going for.

Connor had slipped a drachma to Will Solace, the guy in charge of schedules for the week, so that cabins 4 and 11 got sword fighting together. Will had kept his end of the bargain and so there they were; both cabins spread out across the arena and stretching.

"Are you ready for this?" Connor asked.

Miranda was stretching her arms behind her back. "Yes."

"You remember what we said?"

"Yes," Miranda said. "Did you tell Percy what was up?"

"Yup."

"He doesn't know the why yet, right? Katie and Annabeth are huge friends." Miranda worried.

"He doesn't know," Connor promised. "I walked in on him and Annabeth when I asked so he just agreed to it really quickly to get me out of there."

"That's horrible!" Miranda said.

"Well, the door was open," Connor said. "They were practically inviting me."

Miranda laughed. Her giggles made Connor think of bells, small and light and announcing an event; the event being that Connor had said something right.

"Alright," Percy said walking away from a conversation with Travis and Katie. "We're going to start with the usual warm up game, let me just make the teams…" He looked over who was around to try and judge fairly. "Okay, Daniel and Connor, Katie and Chris, Travis and Miranda…"

Connor didn't even care that he was going to get pummeled, he was just happy that the stage was set for Miranda. He couldn't _wait _to see her go out.

Percy finished making the teams, matching up people based on their skills and experience. Except for Connor who was going to get killed, but that was probably payback for having walked in the day before yesterday.

The idea was that each cabin made a straight line, partner in front of partner, and then they faced off and went to the other side if they got disarmed or pinned. Connor went right behind Travis, so if things went wrong he wouldn't get killed by Daniel- the strongest and fittest son of Demeter ever. He was super modest, but whenever he happened to walk around shirtless crowds of girls formed like swarms of bees. Swooning bees.

Anyways, there were about three fights before Travis and Miranda faced off and Connor just wanted them to kill each other so that they could get it over with. That didn't happen of course, but they did go by quickly enough and made way for Travis and Miranda. Percy whistled to give them the go.

Travis, of course, had lots of long limbs and preferred to pin than disarm, so he only exchanged a few blows with Miranda. Connor had planned on watching Travis so that he'd see when his brother planned to tackle, but couldn't rip his eyes away from Miranda. Her corkscrew curls were pulled out of her face with a white headband and a ponytail getting looser as the day went by. Her green eyes were focused but she still looked so soft and peaceful… Connor wouldn't be able to fight her.

He was just as surprised as everyone else when Travis managed an excellent feint and managed to duck under Miranda's blade –making everyone draw their breaths- and wrapped his arms around her from behind.

Miranda did it. Oh hell, did she ever succeed.

She screamed bloody murder and her knees collapsed under her. Her resistance melted away and so Travis toppled forwards and had to flip to avoid landing on Miranda who fell and screamed again.

Percy was right at her side. Travis crawled back and looked, confused and worried, as Percy talked to Miranda softly. She looked as if she were about to cry, holding onto her arm.

"Katie," Percy called. "Walk her over to the infirmary, will you?"

Katie ran out of the line and put an arm around her little sister as soon as Percy had gotten her up. Travis looked freaked to death.

If it wouldn't have ruined Miranda's excellent act, Connor would have laughed.

* * *

Katie was fussing even though Chiron had said that her wrist was nor broken nor sprained.

"Probably just the strength surprised you," Chiron said. "Have you been sleeping well? You look tired. That may contribute."

Miranda sat on the infirmary bed she'd been led to and acted pretty, nodding although she was 99% sure that Chiron wasn't convinced that anything was wrong with her. Katie, on the other hand, fawned over her like the maternal worry wart that Miranda knew and loved.

"Was Travis really that rough?" She worried as Miranda held ice to her wrist and pretended to sip some nectar-infused water.

"No, no, no," Miranda said. "I think it's just me."

Of course this only made Katie worry more. Right what Miranda was going for.

"He's usually gentle," Katie frowned.

"I'm sure he didn't mean it…"

"No, of course not," Katie said. "But it's weird…"

"I didn't want to fight him in the first place. He's so much taller."

"It's true," Katie said. "He should've taken that in consideration."

"Katie, it's not his fault," Miranda reminded her sister.

"No, no, of course not," Katie said vaguely.

* * *

When Connor and Miranda met up as planned behind the armoury, he was grinning like a madman.

"Well Randa, you sure know how to put on a show."

"Don't call me that," she said. "That's Miranda to you. But… you think?"

"I do!" Connor said. "Like, wow. You're so good, where did you learn that?"

Miranda smiled and pushed her hair behind her ear. "I was in a lot of school plays when I was still at school."

"For real?" Connor asked.

"Oh yeah," Miranda said. "My dad…" She blushed.

"It's okay," Connor said. "You don't have to tell me."

"No it's just weird to say. See, my Dad worked crazy hours to try and keep everything rolling at home. He had some really weird shifts sometimes, he worked in a lab and all. I had to do something after school while I waited for my rides or to keep myself busy when I was home alone, so I went and taught myself how to act. I watched people."

"That's really cool... Plus it shows why you understand people so well," Connor said.

"You think I do?"

"Yeah man. How else would we have elaborated all these ways to break them apart? Anyways, it's really cool. Not something I'd have expected from a child of Demeter."

Miranda groaned. "Everyone always expects us to have lame powers. Like 'woohoo, we planted ugly flowers on the lawn of our enemies'. Give us more credit, we can so pretty cool stuff."

"Like what?" Connor asked. "I mean, not that I think cabin four kids are lame, but just… I don't know..."

"Well, we can do this," Miranda said holding out her hand. The flowers that were growing on the bushes behind the armoury rustled, as if the wind had picked up. Their leaves and blossoms started crawling up the armoury's wall, and they even arched over Connor and Miranda before she lost her concentration. Petals fell in her hair as the flowers shrunk back.

"That's pretty cool," Connor said. He hesitated before reaching in and plucking a petal from her hair. Shivers traveled down Miranda's spine and about everywhere else around her nervous system. They stopped at her stomach and turned into butterflies.

"And this," Miranda said. She didn't get to use her powers often and so she may be overexcited at the idea. Grass shrunk down all around them, turned yellow, or died. Miranda focused on a pattern and the grass executed.

"Like crop circles," Connor said.

"Duh," Miranda said. "Who do you think made those?"

"You mean… The one phenomenon that nobody can explain and that's been spawning alien stories… what's possibly the biggest hoax…" Connor looked amazed.

Miranda raised her hands like 'ta-dah'. So maybe growing flowers on the back of a shed and manipulating grass into shapes didn't sound cool, but applied? Applied it could be huge. There were records of children of Demeter causing famine by ruining crops, healing by manipulating the DNA of plants into petals or seeds that could heal, accelerating the growth of fruits to help out struggling farmers…

"Wow. Looks like Hermes and Demeter always _have _gone together." Connor said.

Miranda smiled. "Yeah. Speaking of which, how were Katie and Travis today? I don't know, I was bed-bound because Chiron told Katie that maybe I need some more sleep."

"Loser," Connor grinned.

"Loser yourself, you got stuck doing all the spying."

Connor made a face. "Travis thinks that Katie thinks he's a monster. Things have been awkward even though they're not blaming each other for anything. Tension between the cabins is pretty unpleasant just because."

Miranda frowned. "Did I pass it off as an accident okay?"

"Who cares!" Connor said. He must have realised that _she _cared because he went on. "You did, but still. You know your cabin, all worried and watching out for each other."

Miranda smiled. "And how are the lovebirds handling it?"

"They're edgy," Connor said. "So in other words: we are entering Step Six with optimal conditions."

* * *

**Step Six: ****Torment Session**

It really was a shame that Katie and Travis' relationship was going so poorly; some fight between cabins four and twelve was really fueling the extra post-meeting time that the counselors had and so they were wasting optimal conditions. Then again, it wasn't really that bad. It meant that Connor was a genius.

Anyways, it was after Travis got back that things got started.

"Cough up your money folks," Chris said. "He didn't stay behind with her after all."

He'd been holding a pool.

Nobody was unhappier with the results than Travis himself. "You guys are horrible."

"Yeah, like your mood," their sister Elsa said. "What's wrong, Travis?"

"None of your beeswax," Travis said.

"Trouble in Paradise?" Chris asked.

"Romance isn't _blooming?"_

"It looks like you and Katie's problems are _growing."_

"You should really _nurture _your relationship better, Travis."

"Yeah, lest it _wither _away."

The gardening puns went on and Connor just watched as Travis' face shifted from one shift of red plastered over fake disinterest to the next. The paint chip section at the hardware store couldn't compare to all the different shades of red that Travis was presenting.

Step Six was basically just tormenting and exhausting them about their relationship.

The work was doing itself in Cabin Eleven.

* * *

**Step Seven: ****Asian Cuisine with The Possibility of Italian**

"So, what's in for step Seven?" Miranda asked when they met up after breakfast, during the free time while the counselors did their chores.

"Follow me," Connor said.

Miranda frowned but didn't argue with him. She knew better than that and frankly... she was curious now. Connor was leading her to the Big House and then down a hatch she hadn't even known existed.

"Where are we going?" Miranda asked as they headed underground.

"That's for me to know and you to find out, Mimi."

"Miranda to you," she said. It got colder and colder, but warmed up as they walked down a tunnel that led to… the kitchens.

"What's this?" Miranda said.

"The kitchens," Connor said. "Duh."

A harpy cackled and came at them holding a pan in one hand and a potato masher in the other.

Connor threw Miranda behind him and rose up his arms like a shield over his face, clucked like a chicken and said a name like 'OLLIE!'

The harpy calmed down and started calling out for Ollie. Other harpies mimicked their sister and it didn't take long before 'Ollie' was like a chant, until a particularly ugly harpy broke through the crowd.

"Hi Ollie," Connor said. "I'm here to pick up my package."

Ollie happily nodded and hopped back into the kitchen. The harpies were all calmed down now.

"Connor, why are you on first name basis with a harpy?" Miranda said softly.

"Elementary, my dear Anda."

"_Mir_anda."

"Yes. Well, I stood up for Tyson's girlfriend once."

"Ella? Oh, who would give trouble to Ella? She's so precious!" Miranda said.

"Some Ares kid I think. The one who only lasted a year. Anyways, the harpies love me now seeing as Ella's one of them and she knows some really good recipes 'cause of that memory. Anyways, they do me favours now. Especially Ollie."

She popped up just as Connor finished his story, holding a white carton.

"Thank you Ollie," Connor said. "Come on Mira."

"Miranda," she reminded him. It had, of course, gone through her mind that Connor was only doing this to annoy her but she insisted on him using her real name.

"Sure thing. Let's go find a shady spot."

They did, by the lake, and Connor opened up the carton. The smell of spices and shrimp filled up Miranda's nose and although she'd just had breakfast her mouth watered.

"I told you to eat a light breakfast, right?" Connor said.

"Pad Thai? Pad Thai is Step Seven?" Miranda asked.

"Step Seven was Noodles, Ollie's the one who made them Pad Thai. Oh, bless her, she put chopsticks in."

"Noodles?" Miranda frowned.

"Yup," Connor see. "See, we just have to let the recent events simmer and keep making T and K uneasy. Meanwhile we should kick back and relax, and I've always found noodles to be good for that. Besides, noodles are glorious and we deserve them."

Miranda grinned as Connor offered her a pair of chopsticks.

"You really are a mastermind aren't you?" She said.

"I prefer the term 'prodigy'."

"No, I mean, seriously," Miranda said. "People assume that children of Hermes are goofy, but you are clever. You do think of everything."

"I try," Connor said. "Wait- you're not allergic to anything right?"

Miranda laughed. "Only to MSG- it's not natural and all."

"Oh, well none of that in here. Okay yeah- I did think of everything," Connor said.

She laughed some more.

* * *

**Step Eight: ****The Spray Paint Operation**

This was a more delicate part, but by this time they were both good enough at sneaking around and screwing up relationships to pull it off… even if it meant being out of the cabins at two in the morning.

After promising Miranda that the spray paint was totally washable and organic (did such a thing exist? Connor knew not) she was more willing to grab one of the cans he'd dragged over. Connor shook his and Miranda winced at the sound. However everything was peaceful.

It was super worth noting that Miranda looked really cute when she'd just woken up. Her blond curls were tousled and her eyes were all sleepy. Her dainty figure was floating in an oversized shirt (it probably belonged to one of her brothers) and baggy pyjama pants.

Anyways they looked at the Demeter cabin's back wall long and hard.

"Do we paint a caduceus?" Miranda whispered.

"Nah, that's too obvious. Also cheesy."

"Fair point."

Connor tried to think. If he were doing this out of pure vandalism, what would he be drawing?

He grinned.

"Fill in the lines I draw," he instructed her.

Miranda, as if she needed to be more perfect for the job, had excellent skills with spray paint. Probably from painting theater sets and props, but Connor didn't know and would have to ask later when they weren't breaking camp rules.

"It's perfect," Miranda grinned as she switched cans to colour their graffiti in more.

"Couldn't agree more Andy," Connor replied.

"Don't call me that."

It was a toilet. A big, giant, porcelain white toilet, with a roll of toilet paper getting flushed down. They had the big lines, like the ones surrounding the BANGs and POWs of comic books, all around it making it the most glorious toilet in the world. It was coloured with white and yellow and red and Connor was pretty proud of it.

Then they heard the harpies.

Miranda looked at him.

"Ollie won't get you out of this, will she?" She checked.

Connor shook his head thinking thoughts that would have made his mother double the quarter-jar fees.

"Get out of here, I want you safe," Miranda said. "I can hide the spray-paint under my bed until the morning."

Connor nodded and left her to it, running away as fast as he could without being quiet. Their cabins were about as far away from each other as possible… But Connor made it, of course. Miranda wanted him safe after all.

* * *

They watched innocently from their respective breakfast tables as Travis and Katie got in late, red in the faces and tight at the jaws and fists. If Miranda could turn around and give Connor a look she would, but his table was too far away and Daniel –the tallest boy in her cabin- was right next to her.

Katie grabbed her plate. Food appeared on it- a heaping bowl of oatmeal with cream and brown sugar and apples, peeled and sliced. Katie's comfort food, what her dad would make for her when she was sick as a kid.

She got up to make her sacrifice and Miranda felt a bit guilty that she and Travis had fought that badly.

But at the same time, not really.

* * *

Travis was refusing to talk to each and every one of his siblings until they got back to the cabin to get ready for Capture-the-flag.

"Who the hell went over and graffitied Cabin Four?" Travis demanded.

A few people smiled as if they'd passed gas and even more bit their lips. Everyone had seen the toilet over the course of the day, infuriating the children of Demeter (minus Miranda) even more.

"_Well?" _Travis demanded. "Cabin Four has specifically told us not to touch a single square inch of their cabin ever again."

"Dude, just because you're hooked up with their counselor doesn't mean that the rest of us have to fall in line and bow down to them," Chris said.

"You telling me that _you _did it, Chris?" Travis said.

"Nah," Chris said. "I sleep at night."

Travis' energy deflated. "Right, it wouldn't be you anyways. It'd be someone stupider."

"Why?" Connor asked, frowning.

"Because they left a can of spray paint there, in the grass under the toilet." Travis said. "Real rookie mistake, don't know who here would mess it up that badly. Don't think _anyone _here would actually..."

Connor's stomach sunk.

* * *

Miranda was all smiled but the look on her face faded once she saw Connor's expression.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"You could've gotten us caught!" He said.

She frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You left a can of spray paint on the scene of the crime," Connor said. "That's such a _stupid _move, Travis doesn't think anyone in Hermes did it! If he tells Katie and she buys it, Step Eight may as well never have happened."

"I'm sorry," Miranda said. "It's just, it was dark, and..."

"Doesn't matter. We had five cans out. You went back in with four. Super simple math right there, you were missing one! It only requires a small usage of the brain to figure that out."

Miranda's eyebrows were creased and she looked so small… as if she'd been slapped. Connor realised how harsh he was being.

"I'm sorry for yelling," Connor said snapping into apology-mode. "I'm so sorry Miranda that was really harsh! And I… I dunno, I guess you're so diabolical I forget you're not used to this sometimes."

Miranda looked up at him. "Oh... You really think I'm doing okay?"

Connor nodded, hoping it wasn't too much too quickly. "Oh yeah. You're actually a really good actrice, and you're really into this. I guess… I guess that's my problem. I get super into plans. Plans are safe I guess."

"I always imagined that children of Hermes were mostly loose-leaf," Miranda said.

"We are," Connor said. "But it's like an improv match. There's always a canvas for the scenario, a plan, and you wing it from there. Maybe that's why I'm so involved in this actually, 'cause Travis is slipping away from my canvas. To be honest, it's because of our mom that I'm so into plans."

"Was she in business or something?" Miranda said cocking her head to the side. Her curls dipped.

"No, no, no," Connor said. "She was a freelance artist. But she got really sick when we –well, when _I_ was a little kid. That's the first really wild thing that she didn't bounce back from. I guess that it just spooked me."

A shiver went down Connor's spine and the tables turned in the atmosphere. Now it was Connor who'd needed the comforting.

Miranda put a hand on Connor's shoulder.

"You know, even if this twelve-step program doesn't work…" Miranda said. "Even if Travis slips away from the canvas and Katie keeps going gaga… I'd be super happy to be on it."

Connor looked up at her funny. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Miranda said.

Connor smiled at her and she smiled back. Her smile was like a pistol- small and powerful. Except pistols caused more blood than warm, fuzzy, pit-of-the-stomach feelings.

"You're not half-bad, Mandy."

"That's Miranda to you," she said.

That gave Connor an excuse to release the butterflies in his stomach as a smile.

* * *

**Step Nine: ****Parental Guidance**

They didn't have field trips to New York often, and if you'd have once told Connor that he'd spend one of his rare occasions into the city at the public library, he'd have called you insane.

But there he was, at a computer, with Miranda right behind him. Her hand was on the back of his chair, really close.

He typed away.

_To: jgardner (gmail).com_

_From: puppyattacks (sympatico).com_

As he'd pointed out to Miranda, his email address was old. Like, really old. He'd been seven when he'd picked the address. His password was even worst.

_Subject: News from Camp _

_Dear Mr Gardner,_

_My name is Miranda and I'm Katie's half-sister, also her backup counselor over at Camp Half-Blood. _

_I was just emailing to let you know that Katie really would have loved to send you a postcard with her best salutations, but she lost her mortal cash on her way to camp (there was an incident at the train station). She'd have emailed you herself but she doesn't, of course, have an email address and she and her boyfriend Travis are spending the day at his aunt's house. I think that's what she said that they were doing..._

_Have a nice day,_

_Miranda Gardiner _

* * *

Of course, this Step took a little while longer to execute- mostly because Connor and Miranda weren't in full control of the situation. However a few days later, Katie got a letter from South Dakota during mail call and gushed when she saw her father's name on the envelope. However, whatever Jesse Gardner had to say apparently wasn't good because her face soured.

"What's wrong Katie?" Miranda asked looking up from a postcard she'd gotten from Dad and Ellen- who were apparently in Denmark for now, touring Scandinavia for the summer supposedly.

"Nothing," she said. Her jaw was tight. Apparently whatever her dad had had to say about this mysterious boyfriend, it wasn't good.

"Something's up," Miranda said.

Katie moved her hair over a shoulder. "I guess Dad found a letter or a picture or something in my room... he found out about Travis... Geez, I've got to get some stamps and write back... Oh gods..."

She got up and headed to the camp store before breakfast even started.

* * *

**Step Ten: ****Politics**

_We've got the awkwardness and the recent fights fresh in their memories,_ Connor said. _And now Katie's dad is getting PO. _Perfect. That was a hairline crack that Connor was willing to smash a rock against and split open.

"Tell me _everything," _Miranda said holding on to his arm. Some of the cabins had complained about Cabin 11 having two counselors at the meetings and so Connor barely went anymore, but Miranda had absolutely no chance of getting in there.

"I will," he said. "I've already been giving Travis ideas..."

Miranda grinned. "Break a leg."

* * *

Cabins Four and Twelve were, for the first time in known history, arguing. Unsurprisingly it was about plants.

The fight had been ongoing since the start of summer. See, Cabin Twelve had always taken care of the strawberry fields with the satyrs. But with Castor gone and a few inexperienced newbies left in his place, there was like a big void going on. The Demeter cabin were arguing that for the good of the crops they should step up and help, but Pollux was saying that no- vine plants was strictly his turf and that the Demeter cabin should back off and screw themselves. (Okay, Pollux was too nice to say those things- but he probably thought them.)

Mostly what happened was that Katie and Pollux argued back and forth, which was really awkward and mostly futile since they were both sweethearts. But Chiron and Mr D had had enough and so as of this meeting they were going to settle it once and for all. All the other counselors had to get speak up during this one meeting.

"As if you'd ever let any child of Dionysus help out with the fruit trees or the forest's maintenance," Pollux said. "Your cabin would flip if that happened."

"That's because your cabin _couldn't _help with that," Katie said softly. "You strictly work with vines. My cabin can work with all plants. We could help with the oxygen level in the ground, the soil quality, composting..."

"You already help with composting."

"We could do more with our powers."

"Sure. But how am I supposed to train all the new campers if the fields are tended to perfectly by your massive cabin?" Pollux said.

"My cabin isn't massive!" Katie said.

"You get my point," Pollux sighed.

"You guys could split the fields," Percy said. "Cabin Four one side, Cabin Eleven the other."

"No," Pollux said. "The fields are doing okay, the crop will be fine and sustainable for another year."

"We shouldn't aim for sustainable, we should aim for as profitable as can be without harming the strawberry plants and earth," Katie said.

"I think that this issue shouldn't be based off of whose cabin is whose but about who can do the job," Piper said. "That's the important part, at the end of the day. Getting the strawberries to the city so that Camp makes a profit."

"I agree but at the same time, it's not sustainable if Pollux cannot properly train the next generation of children of Dionysus, and Cabin Twelve loses its ability to care for the fields in the long-term," Annabeth said.

"I agree with that," Percy said.

"I think we're forgetting that the satyrs help a lot with the fields too," Will said. "It's not like Pollux and a handful of twelve year olds are out there on their owns."

"I don't. Care. About. Berries." Clarisse said. That was her only input on the subject, or at least all that they were getting.

"What you're all saying is that a collaboration is the best way to go." Chiron said.

"I dunno man, vine plants are Dionysus' attribute," Travis said. "Like, everyone specifically says that. It's their business."

Katie's jaw dropped as she turned towards her boyfriend dumbfound.

He looked small. "What? It's true."

Katie shook her head, livid. That made Travis mad somehow.

"Cabins each have their specialty. You shouldn't mess with them. It's like someone who specialises in plants messing around with pranks. Not their thing, not their concern, why are they intruding? Nobody knows but it's not a good idea. Also it's annoying."

Connor felt his jaw drop. _Travis had taken it there all by himself._

"We're not talking about two very different things, we are talking about vines and all other plants." Katie said. "Even though one may say that there could be a link between those two things you just mentioned."

"Okay, here's an idea," Annabeth said to save the situation. "We leave the deal open. Pollux gets a year to train his siblings into caring for the fields, but the Demeter cabin is a resource available at all times and who will be sought after despite pride if their services are necessary. Next year we see how it goes and reopen the debate if need be."

Most people just agreed to that to end the meeting as soon as possible. If looks could kill, it was hard to tell if Travis or Katie had died first.

"Alright then," Chiron said. "Have a... ah, have a good day to all of you and we will skip our meeting tonight."

Everyone got up, trying to run away before...

"Travis," Katie said. Her voice sounded cool. "A word?"

They both disappeared and there was a general feeling of _schist is gonna go down.  
_

Connor grinned and nearly tripped over himself, a chair and Leo Valdez to get out of there and find Miranda. She was on the front steps of the Big House, waiting for him.

"That good?" She asked when she saw his face. She smiled too, smiled like sunshine.

"Oh yeah," Connor said. He took her hand and dragged her to the side of the Big House, under one of the gutters and explained absolutely everything to her. She smiled.

"We probably did it, then," she said.

"I don't even think we need to both with steps eleven and twelve," Connor said. "They were _so _furious."

Miranda smiled even more brightly and then it faded.

"You know, this was actually... fun," she said.

"Yeah," Connor said. His mood withered a bit too. "It was."

"I'm gonna miss doing this with you." Miranda said it as if the realisation was dawning on her. Connor had known it for a long, long time.

"We could still hang out," Connor said.

"Yeah. Let's." Miranda said.

"We could do stuff."

"Yeah, stuff." She nodded.

"Stuff."

"Yeah, I love stuff," Miranda said. That made Connor laughed, and apparently he dragged her down the road to Giggle Town too. Just as she finished laughing, Connor couldn't help it. She was so pretty and happy and daring and talented at a million things... He kissed her.

And for some reason she was kissing him back and part of Connor hoped that the reason was that she possibly had feelings for him too. 'Possibly' being interchangeable with 'hopefully', of course.

When he pulled away he felt pretty terrified right alongside with being proud of himself.

"Miranda..." he said.

She punched him in the arm.

"That's 'girlfriend' to you," she replied.

* * *

Katie and Travis turned away from the Big House window from which they'd been spying on the siblings hanging out on the story below.

"We did it," she said as Travis held up his hand for a high-five. "We managed to get Connor and Miranda to hook up!"

"Took them long enough," Travis said kissing her forehead.

Katie laughed. "I guess they believe that old saying. _If you can't beat them, join them."_


End file.
